Most of us were never taught how to communicate in a healthy way, yet we’re supposed to be amazing at conflict, boundaries, and healthy communication with…zero training. If you ever leave a conversation thinking, “How did I end up here?” or “What just happened?” This blog post is for you.
Most of us didn’t grow up surrounded by healthy, loving communication. Whether it came from our families, teachers, or what we saw in the media, many of the examples we absorbed missed the mark. No one really sat us down and taught us how to communicate well. So we picked up habits from what we saw and then wonder why we keep having the same conflicts or why we feel so misunderstood.
The truth is, communication is a skill, just like cooking or crocheting. It takes time, intention, and practice.
Here are three of my favorite skills to help you become a better communicator with your partner, spouse, or anyone you care about.
My first tip is active listening. Active listening is listening to understand instead of what we usually do, which is listening to prepare our rebuttal or to respond. Most of us think we’re listening, but really, we’re preparing what we’re going to say in our heads instead of truly being present. Active listening is not only slowing down to make sure you hear what the speaker is saying, but also reflecting back what you heard to make sure you got it right. You could use a phrase like, so what I’m hearing is [insert what it is you heard,] and then say something like, “Is that right?” Give the speaker a chance to kind of correct some things that maybe you didn’t hear quite right. Active listening does few things: it not only helps the speaker feel heard, listened to and validated, but it also prevents misunderstanding. Now I know that this first tip of active listening to be an effective communicator is kind of backwards, but listening well is one of the fastest ways to be heard.
Tip number two is empathy. Empathy is recognizing somebody’s emotional state and being able to relate to it in some way. Often, I teach my clients who are couples to be empathetic to what it is that their partner is experiencing instead of immediately jumping in to defend or saying something like, “That’s not what really happened!” Starting with the emotions first is really empathy. Empathy can look like, “It makes sense why you feel hurt by that” or, “I can really see why that would make you upset.” Empathy is what makes people feel emotionally safe and validated, which can make things like compromise and change possible.
My last tip is repair. Repair is what you do when communication goes off track, which it will. Repair is noticing the impact, taking responsibility, and apologizing so that you can come back to being connected. Repair might look like, “I realized what I said did not land the way I intended. I’m sorry about the impact. Can we talk about that?” Research shows that the closest couples are that way, not because they never make mistakes, but because they know how to repair well.
Remember, no one is born knowing how to communicate perfectly, it’s something we learn and relearn as we grow. The good news is that it’s never too late to build better habits. Keep going, you’re already doing the work just by being here!
If you want more resources on improving your communication, please check out my curated list below:
Byrd’s FREE Communication E Book here
Byrd’s Relationship Skills Mini Class here
The Relationship Conversation Card Deck here
