How to get out of a sex rut and enjoy sex again! (Redefining Intimacy)

Redefining Intimacy Beyond Intercourse

Most of us inherited a sexual script that goes something like:

1. flirt
2. kiss
3. 5 minutes of foreplay
4. intercourse
5. Maybe orgasm for one of all of you

The thing is, there will probably come a time [or, maybe it’s always been this way] that this sexual script will no longer serve you. Maybe it’s not pleasurable anymore, maybe you’re dealing with a disability or chronic illness that makes intercourse challenging, or maybe it’s starting to feel boring.

So let’s rewrite it.

Why We Need to Expand Intimacy Beyond Intercourse

Intercourse can be great, I’m not here to cancel it, but when intercourse becomes the only way you and your partner(s) know how to connect physically, it puts your whole relationship in a tiny (boring) box.

Here are some super common reasons people start needing (or wanting) intimacy that isn’t intercourse-centered:

• Pain with penetration (vaginismus, vulvodynia, endo, pelvic floor tension, postpartum pain)
• Erectile dysfunction
• Low libido
• Difficulty with arousal/orgasm
• Disability or chronic illness (ME/CFS, Long COVID, arthritis, POTS, hEDS, etc.)
• Trauma history or triggers
• Medication side effects
• Body image stuff
• Gender dysphoria
• Changes after birth/aging/illness
• It feels boring

Also? If intercourse with orgasm is the only “goal,” then anything that doesn’t lead to it can start to feel like a failure, like you’re a failure. And that creates a weird dynamic where one person might feel pressured, the other feels rejected, no one feels intimate, relaxed, and connected, and sex and intimacy can start getting avoided altogether (very rude of society to set us up like that!) It can look like this:

A common pattern looks like:

1. Person A misses sex and tries to initiate
2. Person B worries it will lead to intercourse / pain / disappointment, etc
3. Person B pulls away or says no
4. Person A feels rejected and stops initiating (or initiates with more intensity)
5. Both people feel lonely and tense
6. Sex becomes The Big Scary Topic™

What Are You Actually Seeking?

When couples and relationships say, “We’re not having sex,” what they often mean is:

• “We’re not connecting.”
• “I miss feeling wanted.”
• “I miss feeling close.”
• “I don’t know how to initiate.”
• “I’m scared I’ll disappoint you.”
• “My body doesn’t cooperate the way it used to.”
• “I want intimacy, but intercourse feels out of reach.”

What “Intimacy Beyond Intercourse” Actually Looks Like

Knowing what you’re actually seeking when it comes to sex can be helpful in determining what your relationship needs added in to get out of a sex rut and enjoy intimacy again. Here are a few categories of intimacy that can be added into the mix with or replace intercourse as the only means of sex and intimacy.

1) Sensual intimacy

• kissing and/or making out
• cuddling (naked or clothed)
• scalp massages, back rubs, hand-holding
• showering together
• slow dancing

2) Erotic intimacy

• making out
• mutual touch
• “outercourse” (oral, manual, etc)
• dirty talk, sexting, and flirting
• watching something spicy together (romantic movie, porn, Heated Rivalry, etc)
• “let’s just explore and see what feels good.”

3) Emotional intimacy

• appreciation rituals (e.g., sharing three things you appreciate about each other every day)
• repair conversations after conflict
• sharing fears + hopes
• eye contact
• couple’s meditation

4) Nervous-system-safe intimacy

• co-regulation (breathing together, holding each other)
• low-stimulation touch
• being cared for (tea, pillows, heating pad)
• clear boundaries that reduce anxiety

The fix isn’t try harder or keeping doing more of what you’ve been doing. The fix is creating more options. When you have an actual menu of intimacy choices, you don’t have to treat every touch like it’s the inevitable.

I made the Redefining Intimacy Menu for exactly this! It’s a practical guide that helps you and your partner(s) expand intimacy beyond intercourse, find options that work for your season of life, and build a sex life that feels playful, connected, and accessible.

Want it? Take a peak here.

Tiny Next Step You Can Do Tonight

Before you buy anything, here’s a simple question to ask your partner:

“If intercourse was off the table, what kind of closeness or intimacy would still feel really good tonight?”